Creating Calm

Telling a child to “relax” or “calm down” hardly ever has the effective consequences we intend, different, but not completely un-similar to how we often may react when we are told those same words by a partner in a heated moment.

Cultivation of inner peace and stillness helps to allow us to process situations and emotions more effectively, helps us to think more clearly, and show up more fully to life and for those around us in much more present ways. This is the same for children, and with the proper tools kids can learn these essential skills which will continue to enrich and benefit them their entire lives.

Kids need direct experiential understanding of what it means to ‘calm down’. With guidance, the support of a role model can teach them the tools required, and display this behavior themselves, modeling it so that little ones will begin to develop an inner relationship and foster centered and calm within. They will then be able to more easily access these states in moments of high emotional intensity, and eventually learn to independently regulate their nervous systems.

Children learn many of their behaviors and skills by modeling what they see and experience around them. Often, more noteworthy than what they’re told, is what they see - as they replicate and mimic what is displayed around them.

There has been lots of research and studies done on mirror neurons, a function that allows learning through observation, and its role in early learning through interaction between children and their caregivers. Mirror neurons impact how people learn through mimicking, and play an essential part in social cognition and emotional intelligence such as empathy. These mirror neurons fire off in the brain when we watch someone else perform an action in the same way they fire when we perform that same action. In this way, when we are giving kids support in fostering a quiet inner relationship with themselves, it is important that the adults, teachers, and caregivers around them are integrating their own mindful practices.

Modeling Mindful Moments and Intentional Behaviors

Building a deep inner relationship requires creating regular practices that cultivate this inner space of stillness. It is important to have a sense of these practices for yourself before fully being able to authentically assist others in cultivating this relationship with themselves. Weaving in your own intentional moments of presence, gratitude, calm, and stillness into each day, and doing so with the kids in your life, is an essential part of modeling this behavior. Having activities that encourage moments to pause and be present will inspire intentionality.

Mealtime is a perfect way to easily integrate rituals. Bringing in either a candle or a prayer can make the moment more intentional, and can help anchor in a feeling of purposefulness. This special moment of togetherness can be created at the family dinner table, or before a class meal at school, and creates a beautiful opportunity to invite in more gratitude, presence, and connectedness.

Experiment with inviting everyone present to partake in a collective moment of stillness, and a silent few deep breaths together, or you can allow each person to share something they are grateful for. Coming up with new family or classroom rituals together is a great way to involve the kids in the process.

I like to say a prayer along the lines of this:

As we feel gratitude for this food which is a gift of the entire universe, the earth, the sky, the hard work of people and their energy and love, may it nourish our bodies, minds, and souls
As we feel gratitude for each other, and the forces that united in the perfect way to bring us all together to this perfect present moment, may we send love to all living beings

If the children are old enough, they can have lots of fun coming up with a gratitude prayer, and even writing it out on a decorated piece of paper to hang near the eating area. With younger kids, you can invite them to say 3 things they are grateful for, or 3 moments from the day that were special to them.

Another beautiful practice is introducing a Mindfulness Bell, a simple and powerful way to integrate stillness and presence into every day. The bell is an auditory reminder to encourage listening and presence. When the bell rings, have everyone completely stop what they’re doing and take 3 aware and purposeful breaths - a lovely way to bring a moment of intentional presence to your home or classroom. Remember to remind everyone that when the bell rings, everything else pauses. Encourage complete stillness of the body and mind, and the complete attention on the breath.

Practice pausing. At times when emotions are high, and also at times when things are fun and light. During this pause, you can close your eyes, take a deep breath, and become aware of what is happening within just that exact moment. See if you can momentarily drop the stories and chatter of the mind while you do this. Practice doing this yourself, when you’re with the kids, and encourage them to continue to take a pause on their own as they move through their day.

Teaching Healthy Emoting and Self Responsibility

Emotional intelligence is an essential life and social skill that aids us in the ability to recognize one’s own emotions, the emotions of others, and understand the impact we have on the people around us. A crucial part of effectively processing the emotion arising in any moment is being able to understand how we are feeling. This ability also significantly impacts the ease with which we can have close, meaningful relationships with others.

Taking the time to recognize and discuss the feelings that arise in ourselves, fully feeling the emotions and processing them (rather than shoving them down or suppressing them), and then modeling this behavior for kids, is an incredible gift we can bestow. In a society where expressing emotions can be uncomfortable, and pushing them down is all too common, breaking this cycle by teaching kids how to emote in healthy and effective ways is absolutely paramount. Holding onto, avoiding, or pushing down the emotions -which are meant to be in motion- leads to a build up of unprocessed energy in the body. Not adequately dealing with what we are feeling has negative effects on mental and physical health, something that is more and more commonly being discussed and studied these days. Allowing the feelings and emotions that arise to move through us, while fully feeling them and regulating the breath, is something that can be modeled for kids. Then, encouraging them to do the same when it’s clear there’s emotions bubbling up for them, allowing them the space to fully be present with what they are feeling without a need to change it or push it away is all a part of learning to have a healthy relationship with emotions.

Taking a look at our linguistics can reveal internalized, sometimes unhelpful, belief systems held about our emotions. In English we say things such as “I am sad” or “I am stressed” insinuating linguistically that we are the emotion as opposed to momentarily experiencing something, that, if allowed, will continue to move. Over identifying in this way leaves less room for the understanding that we are not our emotions. Pointing out they may be “feeling nervous” but are not actually named nervous, may begin to help children to grasp that they are not their feelings. Understanding that feelings come and go, is an important step in supporting them to develop their emotional intelligence, and then learn to process those emotions as they arise.

Similarly, the belief that someone or something can make us feel something or cause us to be happy or sad also shows up in language. We see this in moments such as, “When he took the one I wanted, it made me angry”. Reframing this for the little ones around us can help guide them at an early age to understand that no one has the power to ‘make us’ feel anything. Validating of course, that it is completely fine to feel anger, and perhaps taking a moment to breath with them and allow them to feel what is coming up for them. Then highlighting, that while you understand they felt anger in that situation, it was not the other person who made them feel that. Can we truly make anyone feel something? In fact, we all have the ability to feel any state we want - and helping your child to start to grasp that they’re actually able to access their own feelings of happiness and calm whenever they want is a truly powerful tool.

Mindful Breathing: Five Count Breath

The 5 count breath can bring an amazing access to states of calm and emotional regulation. This tool is a powerful one, best used and practiced often. Ideally, it eventually becomes an automatic strategy used to self soothe, calm, and regulate. Teaching this to kids, and modeling it through frequent use ourselves, is a simple and accessible way to regulate the emotions, calm the nervous system, and center the mind.

The technique is an easy one - breathe in for 5 counts, and breathe out for 5 counts. The exact count is not what’s most important (it can be 4 counts, or 6 counts if it suits you better) though what is essential is that the in-breath and the out-breath are even and continuous (no pausing between the breaths). This puts the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems in coherence with each other, relaxing the body and allowing it to automatically allow the emotions to flow and process. Becoming aware of the breath while this happens helps to drop the thoughts or feelings, and from this state we can more easily process the emotional charge that is being triggered. Helping our kids to notice when they are in a high state of emotional charge, and then holding space for them as they implement this breathing technique, will eventually lead them to become independent and self-sufficient in their own emotional regulation and processing.


Continue to Cultivate Calm

Using these tools to co-create moments of presence with little ones will impact them in positive ways that will support their continued growth and inner relationship for their entire lives. Observe them, what resonates best and what areas they could use more support in, and talk to them about creating healthy mindful habits that work best for them. Cultivating conscious behaviors that support a mindful and intentional life of healthy emoting, processing, and relating is a beautiful gift to bestow upon yourself and the children in your life.